I don’t know if I should start this letter with a “You are welcome” or an apology.
See, a part of me is really really sad about how much your life is going to change in the next few months. You will no longer be our only baby and you will no longer have all of our attention all of the time. I get sad when I let myself think about how you may feel like we are ignoring you, neglecting you or any jealousy you may experience. I hate thinking about how you may feel like I’m choosing Baby L over you or that you aren’t getting enough Mommy Time…..but….
Oh Sweet Boy, how much more fun your life is about to be. Soon you will have the best friend you’ve ever imagined a room away. Soon, you will have someone to force Batman upon all day, every day. Soon, you will have the person you will grow up and grow old with right across the hall. An Audience, if you will….someone whom you can show all of your toys and action figures to who may actually care.
Daddy and I are giving you the best gift you will ever have. A brother….
It’s bittersweet. The day you were born isn’t the clearest moment of my life, but I remember staring at your face. Tracing your chin and your belly, the hair on your back. You made me a MOM! There is nothing in this whole world more special than what YOU gave to ME! Now, you get to give another amazing gift to another person in this family. You get to make Baby L a brother and you get to give him the gift of EVERY thing you’ve learned or know….
Reeve, I know that you NEVER doubt how much I love you. It’s so obvious. What may not be so obvious is that I have no clue what I am actually doing most of the time. You and I, we learn everything together! I had no idea that this whole Parenting Gig would be so difficult. That I’d have to put so much of me and who I am aside just so that I could focus on helping YOU become the amazing person you are. I’d do it again a million times over if it meant you would turn out HALF as awesome as you are.
I know you are going to be SUCH a great Big Brother b/c I know you LOVE the people you love SOOOO hard. Every day when you look out the window of your Playroom and see your neighbor friends outside playing, you run outside with all of your might, each time as excited to see them and tell them about your day as though it were the first. You bounce off the walls as we ready for school so you can tell Jordan/Camden/Brooks about a cool new toy you have. You LOVE your people. You can’t wait to share a big story or tell them about something you saw or explain to them what you did the night before. And, it’s because of this, that I just know what a great Big Brother you are going to be. Your teacher told me the other day after school ended that her favorite thing about you is how you walk around the room as everyone does crafts stopping to tell each friend that their art is “beautiful” and “Good Job” and “I really like that.” I was so proud of you….how kind I see you becoming and how it confirmed what I already knew that you are going to be such a proud, giving and helpful Big Brother.
Though you may not understand what is about to happen and it may take a few days/weeks/months for us all to adjust, I just know that you are going to race home from school each day eager to teach your brother what you’ve learned and share with him what you know!
I’m already proud of you for that! Even as he grows in my belly I see how excited you are to get to finally see him. Every day you ask if this is the day he is coming. We walk through stores and you point out things you want to buy for him.
Oh Reeve, I just can’t get enough of you and as we near our time along as “just the two of us” I can’t help but think about how so very much I love you. It’s really more than my heart can handle. I’m actually quite obsessed with you. How your blonde hair falls over your eye. Your big ears. Your tiny butt and how it fits just perfectly in my hands. That sweet smile you’ve taken to giving me where your mouth is closed. How you interrupt with “Excuse Me, Mommy” and how you ask me throughout the day if I’m happy.
I hope that in the next few weeks and months as my life busies with diapers and crying and sleepless nights I don’t lose sight of any of this. How lucky we are for the 3 years and 2 months we had alone together. How you have become my WHOLE world and how I have to now make room for your brother without you feeling like you’ve been cast aside.
The past 9 months have been filled with snuggling and napping and me waking up about 90 minutes in with your hot breath in my armpit as you attempt to crawl as close to me as you can. I wake up when I can and watch your perfect lips and your thick eyelashes. I’ve loved nothing more than lying down each day with one boy beside me and boy growing inside me. I’ve loved every time your small hands rests itself on my growing stomach or each question you’ve asked about your brother. I’ve loved every second of knowing you are going to get to be a Big Brother and I cannot wait to see that moment in the hospital where you see him for the first time. I honestly am looking forward to it as much as any other moment in my life.
I promise one day, Reeve, you will be able to tell me that getting a brother was the best thing that ever happened to you, but for now, just trust me on this one. It may suck for a bit. You may have to play alone a lot. You may not get to nap with me everyday anymore and you may not get all of my attention all of the time, but you will ALWAYS have all of the love I have.
***Images by Laura Benitz Photography