Stalking.you

it’s 7:07 am and I am watching you roll around on the video monitor.

Your jammies are striped and your hands are warmed by the folds of the cuffs that you like to suck on…it keeps you from crying.

You sleep on your side now. My BIG, little boy.

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It will be any day now that you roll all the way over. The other night, at Granhy & Poppy’s campsite, you were on your tummy, but just couldn’t get your arm under you. I am not really working on it with you, as I think it would be really special for Kirk to see it when you do roll over for the first time. We will nail it on Saturday.

As I watch you, your legs are splayed out to each side.

I am so proud of my Big, little boy. Sleeping through the night, I find him each morning with a smile on his face and grunts escaping his mouth as Kirk or I near him to rescue him from his crib.

The sound machine is whoosh-whoosing in your ear and on the monitor. Your ankles are now crossed, no longer splayed, and your arms are directly over your head.

I watch you, more interesting than the seasons of Big Love I have taken to viewing to pass time as I try to replenish my diminishing milk supply. Though the content of your sleep is less interesting than the Sister Wives, your face is more

We are working on pumping to increase and when you DO drink milk from a bottle, you are grabbing at it around the neck and pulling it towards your face.

For some reason, all of this growth and milestones please me and make me so proud, but this one, this grabbing at your own food saddens and scares me. It means you are closer and closer to becoming independent of me. I plan to breastfeed you for 1 year (though it looks like it’s going to be a long 7 more months if my supply continues to trouble me) and I am not ready for you to find nourishment outside of my body.

Grabbing and holding the bottle like a big boy makes me realize how quickly you have grown.

SLOW DOWN!!!!

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But keep doing it too. Keep growing and changing and learning and adapting and finding your own voice.

I will adjust.

I will survive (tear) and I will encourage you.

I will watch (sometimes in a stalker fashion on the monitor).

And you, my little man, will be big and strong.

******Don’t EVEN get me started on the fact we have to go buy Size 4 diapers today.

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