half.a.person

Today I feel like I am just half of myself. Kirk left for a week for work and I am beside myself with fear and sadness and my heart is both in pain and skipping beats.

The fear is b/c of Reeve. I am worried that I won’t hear him in the night, but that had Kirk been here he would have. I am worried that 6 straight days with no help is going to not only leave me exhausted, but also that I won’t be able to give Reeve the love he needs b/c of that. Fear that something will happen with Kirk’s flight….that I will have to do this alone forever.

I felt the same way when I was pregnant with Reeve and Kirk left for the first time. It’s natural, I suppose, but it’s also extremely painful and consuming.

I know I won’t sleep b/c of the baby, but each night, when I finally get Reeve back in his crib and run back to my own bed (wait, make that tip toe) I so look forward to that moment that my body falls into Kirk’s and he spoons me back to sleep. His body is so warm, so safe….

tip toeing back to bed at 3am and then again at 6am isn’t going to feel as wonderful for the next 6 nights.

In those moments before he got in his car, giving me a hug, I was afraid to cry. Afraid he would cancel his trip or think I was unable to do this on my own, but then we both were standing there tears in our eyes and I swear my heart broke. He picked Reeve up out of his swing and was trying so hard not cry… I was crying, Reeve was crying…then when Kirk’s bottom lip pouted out I wanted to fold myself into his suitcase and just go away with him.

I have filled my days for the next week.

Monday = playgroup & lunch date

Tuesday = Hair Appointment & Dinner with Adam/ERin

Wednesday = Dinner with a friend

Thursday = Dinner with a Sheena

Friday = Tummy Time Class

….but NOTHING is going to make this week go faster.

I am hoping Reeve sleeps well and I can find time each day to shower. Also on my list are Retouching his newborn pictures and (fingers crossed) getting this house and my closet clean.

I pray this week goes fast.

It just doesn’t seem like it will. Today is a rainy, snowy, crappy day and it would be the perfect stay-at-home and cuddle as a family day….

Though I am VERY grateful for Kirk’s job and that it affords me the ability to stay home, I would give anything for him to just stay here with us today.

So, despite the tears falling down my cheeks, I am trying to just fine the positive in all of this. Perhaps it’s that I should be ever-so-grateful that I am in love with my husband to the point that I feel like half of me is missing….

 

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