I don’t even know where to begin with this new reality that has become our life.
It’s Friday, 7:22 am. Reeve is sleeping in the nursery, but will probably be back in room 362 shortly. Kirk has driven home to take a work conference call then to return with my Mom who is extending her stay to help me recover for the next week.
I am propped up in the hospital bed enjoying just a little bit of alone/quiet time, yet also not enjoying it b/c it’s so painful and difficult to get in and out of bed with this incision and soreness and gas and heartburn. I have 2 books on my nightstand and am just reflecting back over the past 48 hours of our lives.
How much has changed.
How much things weren’t wrong/different than we had expected.
How grateful we are for Reeve….my parents….our doctor….each other.
How tired we are.
How emotional and traumatized I am finding myself to be as what happened Wednesday am gets further and further away.
Life sure has a way of slapping you in the face when you lose a grip on what’s really important.
I don’t know exactly when I will be able to write about Reeve’s birth….it’s been an emotional roller coaster that I am trying to keep contained. While I am so very grateful that everything ended well, I can’t seem to shake the reality that it was THIS close to having a very different ending. It stops my heart to think about what our “other” reality may have been.
For sure, I know one thing…people who choose to have Cesarean Sections aren’t sane. This is miserable! I am not sure if a planned C-Section is easier to recover from than an Emergency C-Section, but to anyone who has ever told me how great/easy/quick/peaceful/whatever it was…A GIANT SCREW YOU!
I feel cheated that I didn’t get to have the natural/vaginal birth I had planned. I will never get to be one of those mothers who tell other expecting mamas how “great it was” or “you won’t even remember the pain” or “it was so fast.” I won’t ever have that. I will have to spend the next 15-20 years while people I know are getting pregnant with my lips pursed shut not sharing the reality that was MY labor. That pisses me off. I wish I could find myself at peace with how Reeve came into this world, but it’s been 2 days and the only thing I am at peace with is that I have the most gorgeous, alert, peaceful son….and I am head over heels in love with him.
i just don’t know that I will ever be able to CHOOSE to have another baby if I have to have another C-Section. That makes me so very sad b/c I enjoyed EVERY minute of this pregnancy…then had it all wiped away with the memories of that day. I am aware that the end result was to delivery (however) a healthy baby, and I did that….I know how lucky I am….perhaps it’s a combination of hormones, drugs and lack of sleep that just have me really upset right now.
In the upcoming days, I hope to write about falling in love with him, about the soft fur on his shoulders/back/ears, about how he loves to listen to the same music we played when he was in my belly, about his sounds, his smell, and I am most excited to share with you what it has been like to witness Kirk fall in love with him now that he is “on the outside” as I did from the moment I knew he was “on the inside.” It has truly been the most special thing I have ever witnessed. Kirk is an amazing daddy. So proud….so in shock of every feeling he has. It’s profound to watch someone else falling in love with someone you already love so much.
Watching Kirk grow into a Daddy and learning what that means, what he is capable of, what his love can do is the closest to God I have ever felt. Reeve looks EXACTLY like Kirk and I think, as Kirk notices that each time he looks at Reeve, he feels even closer to God too.
There have been moments in the past 2 days that have been extremely difficult for me. The first night when I was hallucinating and talking to the “person in the corner” or having an allergic reaction so strong to the morphine/Percocet that I was trying to claw my way out of my skin. Pain in my shoulder so intense from built-up gas that I am in tears. Seeing my parents’ faces as I was wheeled away from Room 10 to Emergency surgery with a Crash Cart and “9-1-1
being shouted to clear the hallways. Watching Kirk’s face turn as white as a sheet
Well…those all suck.
But there have been about 1,000 smaller and larger moments both in these past 48 hours.
His little chirping sounds and the way he opens his mouth in a perfect “O” shape leading us to call him Little Bird.
Or the soft and thick fur on his back and shoulders.
His earlobes which look just like daddies.
Watching Kirk learn how to hold him.
I just know that I am already head over heels in love with this boy. He is so brilliant, in fact, on Day 2 he has already learned how to self-sooth and hold his own pacifier like a lion holding a bone.
Dear….my the swelling in my heart makes that in my belly and legs look miniscule. I can’t wait to see what happens from here and will, in time, be able to find beauty in the Horror Story that was my Birth Story.