Looking.over.my.shoulder

I have everything I have ever wanted. I am so happy that I am terrified. I keep looking over shoulder like someone is going to sneak in and take it all away from me…

it scares the crap out of me.

Whoever would have dreamed all of this for me? Could my parents have even hoped for so much love and joy in my life? As a little girl could I have even imagined this could all be mine? I have spoken before about how I used to daydream about Kirk, not just someone like him, but literally HIM…a man who was tall, dark hair, strong and even whose name started with K….could I have known?

No…

and that truth terrifies me.

and, as labor nears, I can’t help but worry and look over my shoulder all the time for the person/thing who is going to try to take it away from us b/c I can’t help but believe I don’t deserve this. I haven’t done anything great in my life, yet I (somehow) am being rewarded with all that I have.

Do I deserve it?

I think not and I keep thinking that soon, someone is going to figure that out and take it away from me.

It manifests in the doorbell ringing when Kirk is at the gym and I see a police officer on the other side with bad news. It appears in late night phone calls I assume carry bad news. I picture a labor that goes horribly wrong and leaves Kirk without me to raise our son. I worry about job loss and car accidents and an amazing amount of very detailed scenarios that I have absolutely NO control over.

I imagine, to some extent, this is all normal and hormone-related, but I just want to whisper to the wind and hope the words make it to God, that I AM so very thankful and please, oh please, know that I don’t take any of it for granted even if I forget to thank Him for it every night in my prayers and even if I am sometimes needy and materialistic and care more about a leather diaper bag than I should….Oh, please God…please take my thanks and gratitude and file it in my folder so that if you ever have to test me, you know that it’s there….

Please just let me enjoy all of this without waiting for the Grim Reaper to appear and take it all away. It’s mine….

THIS man….who says his least favorite thing about me is when I make him take pictures of us over and over again until I get one that I like (see the look on his face) is both enough for me AND too much.

It makes me question is it possible to be too happy? Or too lucky?

Then it makes me question which it is and if this is how I am supposed to feel? Is this what happy means and I am just so unfamiliar with it that I can’t embrace it?

A lot of think about and more to give thanks for than I can even imagine, but for now, I am just going to hope that I am doing a good job, being a good wife/friend/mother/daughter/sister/aunt and that God wants this for me….

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