because I am kind of (REALLY) freaking out about the Labor & Delivery part of this whole pregnancy thing.

I have been feeling some pretty sharp vaginal pains and it makes me think that there is no way in hell my body (let alone mind) are ready for this. So, I pray and I breathe and I try to decide that it’s all going to be worth it, but I am still freaked out.

What if I don’t make it in time for an epidural? What if his heart rate drops and I need an emergency C-Section? What if I have a stroke and die and Kirk has to raise this child all by himself and he doesn’t even know how to change a diaper let alone teach him the Rock Chalk chant or know what all my wishes and prayers for him are?

I am freaked out that I won’t be able to handle the pain.

I could care less if I shit on the table or blood flies everywhere, but what I really worry about is that I am not strong enough.

With that being said, this letter from a blog I read called “Tales of Me and the Husband” did a great job today of easing those worries.

dear whoever you are,
without wanting to sound too dramatic (but, fair warning: i am going to!), i want to tell you guys that what you’re about to do, specifically give birth, is the coolest thing in the entire world.  the world is abundant with the gory and scary stories.  let me be one that stands out to tell you that it is amazing, empowering, exciting, and altogether surreal.  no matter how it goes.  because at the end of it you have, in your arms, YOUR CHILD.  a baby that you and your husband made.  the greatest gift of your life, no doubt (i am literally sitting here beginning to get weepy as i write this… it doesn’t help that i’m listening to our birthing playlist at the same time).  your life will never be the same.  but it is such a good, good thing.  the sweetest change a life can undergo.  ok, here come the tears.  you will feel this insane, insane love for this baby and a new vulnerability that you’ve probably never felt before.  these aren’t my words, but i’ve heard it said: it’s like your heart is walking around outside your body.  you love your husband’s.  but this love, the love between a mama and her baby.  it’s altogether different and it is a sweet, sweet love.  the sweetest, i think.  
birth: you’ll feel super-unsexy for a time.  you’ll wear mesh panties and your vagina will feel sore.  i tore and needed 8 stitches and am hear to tell the tale.  it’s not that bad.  seriously.  chances are you’ll be so wrapped up in your new baby, it won’t be a big deal.  i’ve had sex again, and it’s been totally fine too!  our bodies are amazing and they heal and they heal well.  your belly will be this weird, gelatinous glob.  fear not!  it goes away.  your first poops will suck.  take stool softeners!  i had hemorrhoids (fun!) for a time and they sucked too.  stool softeners, lots of water, and eat healthy.  let people dote on you.  let them wait on you.  
your boobs: they’ll get big and hard and feel like pins and needles when your milk comes in.  then, when the baby latches onto one, the other one leaks like crazy!  use nursing pads faithfully.  the lansinoh ones are best.  they absorb the milk but keep you dry.  again, you’ll feel super unsexy.  and you’ll wonder if you’ll feel sexy again.  you will.  you will feel normal again.  you will fit into your jeans again and blow dry your hair and wear makeup.
your emotions: even if you don’t have “postpartum depression” you’ll have some baby blues.  you may wonder what you were thinking getting pregnant, how will this change things between your husband and you, how it’ll never be the same, how you can’t give it back (!!).  you’ll be tired.  you’ll worry about this baby and germs and people touching him or her.  you’ll think the baby is growing up too fast.  you’ll cry.  it’s ok.  let it out.  it’s normal.  so normal.  call me if you need to.  i remember thinking that i could not, would not go to the grocery store with parker in the winter time.  too many germs!  he won’t be vaccinated!  how can i?!  i implored steve to do all the wintertime grocery shopping.  now we’re into winter and the hormones have chilled the eff out and i can do it just fine.  but the hand sanitizer is never far!
your baby: don’t worry about the kitchen and the cleaning and the laundry and this and that.  just get in bed and sleep and cuddle with that new baby of yours.  smell him or her and take it all in.  nurse and sure, check your email on your phone while doing so, but also put it away.  just look at your baby nursing and savor the moment.  it goes fast.  i hate that that’s even true, but it is!  it feels like yesterday that contractions were starting and i was heading to the hospital to meet parker.  but it is so good.  it is fun.  they start to laugh at you and look at you with love in their eyes.  they become this little buddy of yours that goes everywhere with you and you develop this sweet history together.  
and finally, when you think ‘what the eff!?’ because sometimes it’s hard and crazy and you won’t feel all uber-sappy, you can call me then too.  because it’s all normal.  highs and lows.  but it’s still really stinking awesome and probably the coolest thing you’ll ever do.  
love you girls so much and wishing you soooo much good energy and relaxation during the next few days (or week or so!).
ps. hope i didn’t freak you out with any of this.
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I especially get the “feeling unsexy” part. These days I look in the mirror and don’t even recognize myself and though it’s mostly only my belly that has grown, where did this cellulite come from? I just long for the day when I can get a tan, wear skinny jeans and heels, and have Kirk tell me I look HOT and not just pretty.
Thanks to Bridget for reminding me that I WILL be “normal” (not sure if I ever even was) again and that it’s all going to be worth it. But, Lord….PLEASE don’t let him have the Grimes Head and force me to have 8 stitches….

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