I have officially come to terms with the fact that there is a PERSON inside of me.
Sure, I have known I was pregnant since I was only 12 days pregnant, and I see my belly growing and I feel Reeve kicking and his nursery is decorated, sure….all of those things have made it known to me that I am pregnant, but day-by-day it hits me harder and harder that soon I will be a mom…that I will have a person who is dependent upon me for survival….that I won’t be working and, most importantly, that he will soon be making his entrance into the world via my very-not-looking-forward-to-his-arrival Vagina.
Do you want to know what made it real?
See, I have spent 8.5 months buying stuff and reading books and decorating and we now have toys and tiny little clothes and a crib and play mats and Pack-N-Plays, but I have not been able to bring myself to buy diapers.
Those tiny little vestibules for poop somehow made this all VERY real.
And upon receiving about 6 or so boxes from a surprise baby shower, it hit me that it’s almost GO time.
How is it possible that soon Reeve will be in the world and not in my stomach? I love having him in there, I have made no efforts to keep that a secret, and as much as I look forward to having him here, in my arms, I also know that with that reality is the fact that I will have sleepless nights, sexless months, painful poops and a flabby belly that’s going to take some work to get back into shape.
I am terrified.
Not of being a mom, I will be a great mom. I will sing to him and dance with him and love him with all that I have, but I am scared that Kirk and I (who are still somewhat newlyweds) are going to have to learn not only how to be parents, but also how to spend a lot of time together again. I have worked weekends for 18 months and, sometimes, we just don’t know how to have a lot of time together.
I will figure it all out, I will have to, but it’s slightly overwhelming as my 37th week of pregnancy LITERALLY means he could get here any day now.
I have enjoyed the smiles random strangers flash at me and the life inside me. I will miss the questions and opportunities to accept advice from other mothers without it being a “suggestion.” I will miss the kindness of strangers who walk my shopping cart back, bend over to pick things up for me, open doors, or just wait patiently as it takes me f.or.e.v.er to walk across the street.
I know when Reeve is here life will feel rushed and milestones will feel more like obstacles. The transition from sleepless nights to 8 hours will only mean he’s really growing up faster than I want him to. Growing from Newborn to 3-6 month clothes only means he’s getting too big too fast.
I am not sure if I want time to speed up or slow down right now.
I still feel great. Nights are somewhat annoying as I have to roll first my ankles, then my knee, then my hip, then my belly, then my back, the the next ankle, knee, hip before grabbing the side of the mattress to get enough momentum to pull myself out of bed to wonder, with eyes closed to the bathroom where I pee a DROP….and sure my feel ache and only one pair of shoes fit and my back aches, but I FEEL great. I feel proud and excited and unwilling to complain b/c I know how lucky I am.
This little man inside of me is more wanted than anything I have ever had. I need him in my life, there is no doubt I have spent my whole life waiting and praying and just hoping I could be a parent. To be able to do so with such a wonderful person like Kirk is just icing on the cake.
I imagine my grandmother in heaven, named appropriately Hope, hand choosing THIS child to be mine. I imagine she found the perfect mixture of a patient and stubborn child who is stubborn but passionate to put inside my heart. I imagine that he is an angel who has spent decades and lifetimes waiting patiently for a mom and dad who would be just perfect for him. I imagine he picked me or was picked FOR me. . .
I imagine my life complete with his arrival and my joy so overwhelming that it takes me over and humbles me to my knees.