one.more.month

Well, Reeve, as of today I am 8 months (36 weeks) pregnant and you will be here in just a month.

Your nursery is complete. We have 95% of the things we need to bring you home. For some reason, you have no diapers…I just can’t bring myself to buy any. I have no idea why, those just seem so FINAL. THey seem so daunting…like such a HUGE emotional and financial commitment.

I have 11 days left at work and cannot even begin to tell you how much I dread each one. I absolutely hate going there, sitting all day, getting up 10 times for people who don’t even want to talk to me, peeing 15 times a day, back ache that isn’t alleviated even with a pillow and heating pad at my chair, feet that are so swollen only one pair of shoes fit, hands that are so swollen I can hardly type and my mind is just somewhere else.

As I write this, the Cleaning Lady is upstairs scrubbing tubs, bleaching showers, scrubbing baseboards…basically, the jobs I can no longer do. I have never had anyone clean my home before and it’s really hard to relax and enjoy that someone else is doing it. I just want to go up there and make sure she’s doing a good job and doing it the way I would.

I consider this, one of many, lessons I have yet to learn. Patience.

It’s amazing how much I know I will have to slow down once you are here. How I won’t be able to GO GO GO all of the time on my schedule. It kind of scares me how you will “interrupt my daily life” as my neighbor who has a 3-week old told me last night when she came over.

I don’t like my life slow…but I look forward to those moments where we just stare at each other. Where I trace your lips and eyelids and memorize your face. I look forward to a slower pace that will bring so much joy into my life. Will I know your sounds? Your soft coos, your gentle waah’s? Will your eyes be blue when I stare into them, will they have my shape?

I have so many wonders about you as this month passes.

Words, in no order, no sentence, strung together in ANY way could describe what I already feel for you. I have loved having you inside of me and am a bit hesitant to have you outside of me. This pregnancy has been easy, gentle and kind to me. I have felt no sickness and, though tired, have no complaints about you yet.

Your kicks and squirms remind me daily that you are growing and are a reminder that I have to take the time to enjoy each one as soon you won’t be in there. It boggles my mind that you are a real, little person inside of me. I look down at this stomach and I can’t imagine what is in there. It consumes my mind and often brings me to tears to imagine you, your life, your face, your future…our family.

Oh, Reeve…I promise to try to be the best mommy to you that I possibly can. I have a lot to learn, I know this..I am open to suggestions and welcome advice anyone can give. I just hope to trust my heart and always, always do what is best for you. To keep you safe, to encourage your dreams, to support you and to be a true example of love and respect.

I know I will fail. I do it quite often, in fact, and am becoming an expert at recovering from mistakes. There will be many along the way. I will try to be consistent and worry that I will be the disciplinarian (a role I NEVER thought would be mine…but with Kirk as your daddy SOMEONE has to punish you), but I will always be your mommy first and your friend next.

It’s just such a blessing to call you “ours” and I can’t wait for that very moment they lay you on my chest. I will do that Ugly Cry and will for years and years cherish those pictures.

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