on Monday, i will be 20 weeks. I will know what you are….

It’s amazing how quickly this time has gone. Just yesterday it seems I was wrapping my mind around the idea of being a parent and now I am so eager to meet you and learn who you are that I can barely stand it.

Daddy loves you. He softly touches my ever-growing belly and says, “hi, baby”….

I talk to you, I read to you, I play Lyle Lovett and Bonnie Raitt and Grateful Dead to you from my iPod.

I love you so much.

On Monday, I get to name you. On Monday, I will be the mother of a son or daughter. I will know you. I have known you for all of time. I dreamt of you when I was a little girl, holding my baby dolls. I named you every time I held someone else’s newborn in my arms. My heart has been growing big enough for you since I was born.

When the doctor writes either BOY or GIRL on that piece of paper, and I deliver it to Erin to go and buy either a pink or blue onesie to wrap for us…..our whole lives are going to change. Nothing in this world will prepare me for the moment when I open that package. My heart will burst either way.

On another note, my body is changing so much. I HAVE BOOBS…and a giant blue vein coursing it’s way to each breast.

My belly bump is growing, I am still by no means “huge” but lugging this extra 10 pounds around makes me wonder why anyone would choose to be fat? It’s hard to get in and out of the car. It’s harder to walk up a flight of stairs. Clothes are tight.  I love my bump. I love how comfortable maternity clothes are. I love the stretchy material that fits over my belly. I love these first 5 months and am scared that this is a feeling I will never get tired of…uh oh, you know what that means. I am going to be one of THOSE women. . .addicted to pregnancy. I mean, I just LOVE how beautiful I feel. My hair is great, my skin is great, my boobs are huge and I really do feel like I am glowing.

But let me just reiterate how hard it is to get used to a belly. I have always loved my flat, little belly and suddenly when I look down all I can see is FAT!  I know there is a baby in there, so it’s not fat, but the body issues that come with pregnancy are immense.

Suddenly I rub Cocoa Butter on my belly and boobs 2 times a day. Suddenly I look at a staircase a little differently before I climb it. Suddenly rolling over in the night is a process. Suddenly getting out of the bathtub requires a crane or a helping hand.

On a VERY Positive note, as of this exact moment I have 39.97 days until I can give my two weeks notice. That’s 22.97 actual days sitting in this office. I am scared to “quit” but I know that I will be healthier in body and mind when I no longer sit here stressing about sales or my manager or keeping buyers happy.


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