figure.it.out.as.i.go

I wonder what kind of mom I will be?

I can say with all honesty that I am surrounded and grew up with amazing mothers in my life, so i can’t help but think that their examples can only mean I will be good at it. I can take the best parts from all of them.

My mom is my best friend. I do not lie when I say I talk to her 3-4 times a day. Thank God long distance is free with cell phone plans. Growing up, there was NEVER a doubt in my mind that my mom loved Ryan (brother) and I more than herself. Though we never did without anything, i know that she would’ve gone without anything to make sure he and I had it. She is loving and headstrong and stubborn and proud. I hope I get all of that from her.

My grandmother, Hope, was the greatest grandmother in the world. She was so sweet. A testament to how great her 3 grandchildren loved her was that we all grew up knowing we would name our children after her. A testament to how great she loved us was that at her funeral we all admitted to each other the she told each of us that were her favorite….and we all believed it.

My aunt, Nancy. Growing up, my aunt thought I was the most special, beautiful little girl. She adorned me in jewelry from her store and clothes that I yearned for through windows. I always felt like her little doll.

My sister-in-law, Connie, is one of the best mothers i know. Mother to FIVE children, she ALWAYS puts them first. She believes in them. She encourages them. She supports their unique-ness and is the most giving mother I know.

I think I will be okay at this. I do ask myself sometimes though if the things I do know will determine the demeanor of the baby.

For instance, I have another friend who, on the Bible, swears when she gets pregnant she won’t have caffeine, who already reads parenting books, who reads studies and parenting books already. Not only do I figure that I will figure it out as I go, I figure all of those rules just set your child up to be scared and nervous. I am pretty laid back about this pregnancy.

I mean, one Coke in the morning isn’t really going to do anything! And, I know that disciplining a child isn’t a “style” or doesn’t come from a book…it comes from your heart, complete with lessons.

I think i will be the one who encourages our children to create, to dream and to believe in everything unique about them. I say this b/c i have grown up loving other people’s children as if they are my own and I think that is something I already do. Something that makes those children love me. I won’t tell them to shut up if they are playing b/c they are being imaginative. I WILL yell at them to put the stupid video game down and pick up a book!

Kirk will be the disciplinarian, but simply b/c he is nervous. Nervous that running will mean stitches whereas I think, “well, they will probably fall down, but they will get up…and if there is blood, we will deal with it.” Nervous b/c climbing walls and fences means blood. Nervous b/c he doesn’t want them hurt or to fail. I, on the other hand, really believe I will encourage falling and bleeding and failing. Those things have all made me a stronger person.

I think I will be the mom who doesn’t have to be perfect, who doesn’t need to follow the rules, who goes with it. My kids will probably show up on Halloween with CRAZY costumes or handmade Valentine cards that look waaaaaaaay too involved. They will probably go to school with Birthday cupcakes that look like something Martha Stewart made. They will probably have amazing clothes and know that I will be there at EVERY sporting event or dance recital. They will probably think I spend too much time making their rooms look perfect or getting them THE cutest shoes you have ever seen. I will be there every day when they come home from school to ask about their day, best part, worst part and to encourage them to be BIG and tell fabulous stories and to love and to GIVE.

but, that’s okay….that’s how my mom was/is. I had the best homemade Halloween costumes with matching outfits for my Cabbage Patch Dolls….and I loved every minute of how special those things made me feel. I just don’t know any different.

I can’t wait to figure it all out and to observe you and watch you grow.

You are the size of a green olive today at 8 weeks and 1 day! Your daddy is in St. Louis for his last day with his old job! I pulled into the Target parking lot at 8:40 am before heading into work today to try to make it inside for a snack before I vomited. I bought Fruit Snacks and Trail Mix thinking those were healthy snacks and then drove right to the McDonalds drive-thru. 🙂

The best part about me being a mom? Well, maybe it’s going to be that it’s okay to give in a little and just go with what you want.

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